Monday, February 21, 2011

Is The End Nigh?

I don't know how much more of Gertie's shit I can take, therefore, I do not know how much longer I can maintain this blog.

Though her eye-opening, jaw dropping statements used to amuse me, I now find them so infuriating that I have a hard time keeping my cool. My former silence has turned into blatant rudeness and we both know it. Today that fat cunt shook a fucking Walmart photo lab print in my face and demanded to know why the bride's skin tones "looked like a zombie's." I tried to explain the rather sizable discrepancy between the current color display of my computer monitor and the color output of a non-calibrated grocery store printer. I was told as she waved the print around "But this is a photograph, not an Epson! They use inks!" I just marveled at her dumbness.

Her idea of industry terminology was so jumbled and ill-defined, she didn't even know what she wanted to say.

We then spent fifteen minutes starting at her computer while she over-saturated the image's colors. "I usually go up forty or fifty percent- now, mind the hair-that bride's going red and we want to keep her a brunette, but really saturating the colors on this will really make everything pop!"
Gertie, you effing nimrod, the colors on that image are now so scrambled that when it comes back from Fartmart, her skin's going to be glowing nuclear orange and I bet you a million, gillion dollars you'll wonder why they "printed it like that."
Oh boy. Please get an effing clue, "Ms. Professional!"

Oh and BTW, please hire photographers that know how to focus a camera. I spent six, count them, SIX hours today trying to digitally add focus to a bride and groom's posed shots. Your photographer apparently set up his tripod, (on a fucking angle, I might add, so that every shot came out tilted), but more than that, every single image was completely out of focus. A bride doesn't have to know a damn thing about cameras, photography or art to know when she's being taken for a ride! I hope you get your ass sued. I really, really do.
Well, they're sort of in frame. Guess that counts for something.

I just can't put up with your incompetence any more. You have no idea how to run a business. You've heard the saying, "Just because you can have kids doesn't mean you should?" Well, it works in business, too. You are the least competent, least talented "fertografer" I've ever met (and no, darling, that's not how it's pronounced).

Let me school you on the finer points of running a photo bidness:
1. Always check focus and exposure. It's a digital camera, for crying out loud. It has a LCD display on the back panel so that you IMMEDIATELY know when something is awry. LOOK at what you shoot and RE-FOCUS and RE-METER before you shoot anything else. Goddangit, high school Photo 1 students know more than you about this.
I just don't even know.

2. Only hire fertografers that posses the above knowledge. That recalls the adage "Surround yourself with people more capable than yourself." Fuck knows you need it more than anyone else I know.

3. Please stop using Photoshop to "fix" everything in post-production. Cameras have controls so that it can be right the first time. EVERY SINGLE IMAGE you give me has to be straightened, sharpened, cropped, color-balanced, have the shadow and highlight detail corrected because you don't know how to use a camera. Let me troubleshoot that shit for you, respectively:

a- Use the built-in level on your tripod. That little bubble-in-a-circle is there for a reason! USE IT!

b-FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS! Take the camera off Auto and manually focus the effing lens, you meatball!

c-Get in close to your sitter/bride/whathaveya. There are two ways the camera can be held: vertical and horizontal. When the bride and groom are standing on the altar, perhaps you should not stand 50 feet away and use the horizontal orientation. Know why? All I see are two heads surrounded by walls and ceiling. God, I hate you. Children know better than this.
"Why am I wandering around a hallway? Where are my pants?"

d-Your fancy, $5000 dSLR has a really nifty built-in feature called WHITE BALANCE. This tells the camera what kind of light you shooting in. It makes all the picture colors look nice instead of wrong. This is something that a digital class would tell you on the very first day. Yep, I still hate you.

e-Please learn how to expose properly. See, what happens when you overexpose is that you loose all the detail in the highlights. Now the bride has NO DETAIL in her dress. The woman who just paid you $3600 for portraits cannot see the beading and lace details in her $6000 dress. Way to go, Spud. I'm sure she'll recommend you to all of her friends. P.S.: I cannot correct this in Photoshop. I cannot "make up" lost information. This is a key point- it's gone! Vanished, never recorded or to be seen again! Poof! Up in Smoke! You're an asshole! Okay!

P.P.S. Please, pleasegodIbegyou, shoot in RAW.(This is a file type that lets the photographer control some image specifications after the fact.) At least then I would have a fighting chance to save/find some details. I know you think that RAW files take up too much space and that setting all the specs for every image takes too long, but you don't process the images from the camera. I do, jerkwad, AND IT TAKES ME FOREVER!!!!

4. Quit giving everyone ALL THE IMAGES. Just because you shot 7000 images at someone's wedding doesn't mean they want all of them. Why can you go through and edit out all the under/overexposed/out-of-focus bullshit? The bride doesn't want to sort through those- that's your job! You should've been doing it during the time you were shooting! If you edited during the event- meaning that you were looking at the pics you were getting AT THE TIME THEY HAPPENED, you might have some real awesome images there, lady. Of course, it's too much work to do a proper job, so let's just innundate our clients with quantity instead of quality. What a fucking farce.
Those black olive eyes really give me the creeps.

5. Let's consider the repercussions of the above statement. So the bride calls me up to tell me what images that she wants in her wedding album and 1/2 the one's she's previewed as a tiny thumbnail proof are...wait for it...OUT OF FOCUS! I LOVE telling clients that their lousy, good-for-nothing amateur photographer fucked up their wedding pictures. LOVE IT! Makes me seem like a real dick.

6. Why do you then proceed to sign away the rights to the digital files? Why don't you keep all the originals files under copyright so that in the future when people want reprints they can ORDER THEM AGAIN? God, it would almost be like a photo studio if that happened, instead of Gertie's Free Pic-a-Palooza! I have no idea how you make a profit.

7. It's OK to not give things away FOR FREE. Now this is a subtle thing- you have to include prices in the fine print on contracts and advertising, but, yes, it's OK to charge people for services. I think they might even expect it. Let me walk you through a little scenario here. Bear with me:

You charge $____ for a "wedding album". This includes the layout charge for individual pages, plus the printing/binding fee. Fine. That is what the clients gets: a # of pages in a bound album. I fully understand that there will be some miscommunication or flubs after the very first version of an album is put together. I'll make some changes/corrections, then off to the printer's the album should go! But oh no, not with you.

WHY DO I CONSTANTLY DESIGN AND RE-DESIGN PAGES OVER AND OVER AND OVER FOR THE SAME CLIENTS WITHOUT YOU UP-CHARGING THEM? I've had to COMPLETELY scrap and re-design entire 60 page albums for brides who "just didn't really like the first layout". I am on the EIGHTH FUCKING VERSION of a 2005 retirement dinner album. Please, reign these clients in instead of letting them walk all over you. They paid for the album, now let them have it or charge $100/hour for every change they want to make after the second re-do. This is why you don't make a profit. You give it away for free, like a common whore.

Your business model is non-existent, you are unskilled in the craft of photography, you cannot troubleshoot any technical problems that arise, you use a big-box department store as your primary printer and do not understand the repercussions therein, you hire unskilled family as employees, and worse of all, you do not take free advice from people who know better than you.

I know what you think of me: I am a young person without any experience or expertise. I don't know a damn thing and this is why you pay me $10 an hour. You've stated explicitly that any bum off the street can do my job. I despise you more than you'll ever know.

A happy employee is a loyal employee. This is yet one more adage you'll never learn.